Allow your children to struggle and the rewards will be there
You can find inspiration in the most unlikely places…
To be perfectly honest, I found this little story when I was searching for an article I’d written a few years ago about children and learning.
It’s a lovely little story, one worth sharing.
The story about the metamorphosis of the butterfly, is one that teaches about the nature and the naturalness of struggle, in order to grow.
The Butterfly
The little boy had been playing out in the garden when he found the caterpillar. He was fascinated by the creature and asked his mum whether he could keep it.
His mum told him that this would be fine as long as he promised to care for it. Together they found a nice, roomy jar, put it in the kitchen and filled it with things they felt the caterpillar might need.
Each day he would check on the insect, replenishing its stock of food where necessary. He also included a stick in case the caterpillar wanted to climb.
One day the creature did just that, but it also appeared to be acting differently and that worried the child.
But his mum explained that the caterpillar was going through a process of metamorphosis, and that, to do so, it had to create a cocoon.
She explained that, in time, the caterpillar would become a butterfly.
This added to the boy’s curiosity and excitement, so that daily he would check on the insect.
One day he excitedly reported to his mum that a small hole had appeared in the cocoon, and that a butterfly was trying hard to get out.
As he watched the efforts of the butterfly, he became very concerned that the task was too hard for the creature, so he fetched a pair of scissors from the kitchen and began snipping around the hole in order to make it bigger.
The butterfly duly emerged from the cocoon, but it didn’t look well. Its wings were not well-formed and its body was swollen.
The child was so worried. Intently he watched, hoping that things would change.
All he wanted was for the wings to become stronger and larger, and for the body to shrink, in order to support the insect.
Sadly his hopes were dashed. Nothing changed for the poor creature that he had assisted from its cocoon. The butterfly was able to do little more than crawl for the rest of its life.
What had gone wrong?
That day his grandfather arrived and the little boy told him tearfully about his butterfly. His grandfather gently explained that because he had taken over the caterpillar’s role to emerge from the cocoon, he had made things too easy for the caterpillar.
‘Caterpillars need to try hard,’ he explained, ‘ to be engaged in struggle in order to emerge perfectly, for it’s in that very struggle to get through the opening in the cocoon, that pushes all the fluid from the body and right into its wings. It is how the caterpillar is able to fly.’
The little boy had thought he was helping, but because he had intervened, because he took over the caterpillar’s rightful role, he had caused the creature’s form to be stunted, so it would never, ever be able to fly.
And what does it tell us?
This story poignantly exemplifies the need to stand back and let nature take its course. The caterpillar was so close to emerging from the cocoon, and had it done so, would have emerged as a strong, healthy butterfly.
We need to do the same — stand back
In the same way, we parents must stand back and allow our children to grow, and gain confidence through their own problem solving.
Over-protection can stifle a child’s development, and deny them the struggles that will allow them to become rounded human beings.
‘The tiny seed knew that in order to grow, it had to be dropped in dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to reach the light’.
Children too need to experience some darkness, and struggle, in order to find their rightful place in society.
We as parents need to sit back, to trust, and to allow our children to fall and rise again, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Struggle is not failure. If you don’t fall down, how on earth will you learn how to stand up?
